Who I am in the words of Meredith Brooks
Meredith Brooks has a 1997 hit song called “Nothing in Between.” I just recently heard this song in a Pandora playlist related to Sinead O’Conner. It captured me in a beat. Brooks puts the words of my heart in this song. I have talked with my close friends and family about this before: every day I wake up, and look in the mirror and think “who do I want to be today?” Let me assure you: I do not have Multiple Personality Disorder and I [would like to believe that] I have grown out of my teenage years of identity dilemma. I presume my question could be communicated better if I say “What kind of a person do I want the world to see me as today?” but I don’t say that because it sounds as if I am trying to deceive the people around me. That is in no way my intention and will never be. It is precisely the contrary. It is for the sake of representing my true self that I ask this question.
We, the people, are biased. We label others based off of the clothes they wear, the color of their skin and eyes and hair, their weight, their usage of words, their way of walking, their political affiliation, the neighborhood they live in, and so on and so forth. If I wear a cross one day, people will think I am either a gangster thug or that I am a Christian. Frankly, I have never been mistaken for a gangster thug[1]. But in all honesty, sometimes I would rather be mistaken as a gangster than a Christian. Most people do assume I am a Christian, which is fine in and of itself. What bothers me, however, is that most expect me to stick on myself some of these other labels attached to the word “Christian”: conservative, Westernized, anti-science/evolution, gay-hating, sexist, etc. Here is my problem: I am none of these. I am a liberal (for heaven’s sake, I have an Obama bumper sticker on my car!). I come from the Middle-East and still love and appreciate my culture, not to add that Christ was from the Middle-East too. And I am a [social] scientist, gay-loving, feminist. I am not saying that there are no Christians with those beliefs. Neither am I saying that I dislike them (some do slightly annoy me though); I am only saying that is not who I am and people should not be placing these stickers on my forehead the second they see me wearing a cross. But more importantly, this was just an example. The point that I am trying to make is that if I wear a certain symbol, it does not only mean what it means. Rather, it has a train of other meanings that crawl along with it in the minds of the people.
So, I wake up every day thinking “who do I want to be today?” not because I want to deceive the world one day to think I am a liberal and the next day to think I am a Christian and the next day to think I am a punk. I ask this question of myself every day to determine which area of my heart and mind is bursting out through my veins in the hopes of being known that day. Do not take this the wrong way: I certainly do not believe that relationships are solely about making myself known in this world. But I do believe that relationships are built on honesty. Therefore, when that day I heard Meredith Brooks’ song I thought to myself “This! This is who I am!” and I sang along: “I’m a bitch[2], I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother; I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed!”
a. “I’m a bitch”
Some may say that is a strong word to use and it is disrespectful. But what can I say when my feminist beliefs bring many men and women to look at me and say “wow, she is a bitch!” I wouldn’t call myself that of course. I think that I am only trying to create justice by demanding that the world does not objectify women. Frankly though, I do not feel upset if the world calls me a bitch as long as they understand that their usage of bitch refers to women who want justice and will not let themselves be looked at as sexual objects – traditionally it probably meant something completely different though. The world looks at women that are independent and strong and serious and calls them bitches. I don’t sit around quietly when chauvinistic men and sexist women make impolite remarks about women. I don’t politely and bogusly nod. I respectfully point out to them the inappropriateness of their comments. Call me what you will: I just want my equal share of life. That is what I think Meredith Brooks is referring to in this song. There are many double-standards for men and women. Here is an example: If a couple has a new born baby and the mother refuses to quit her job to stay at home and take care of the baby, she will be called a cruel bitch. But if the father refuses to quit his job to stay at home and take care of the baby, he is just being wise in wanting to keep his job. Brooks is not afraid to be known as a bitch in this situation, and neither am I.
b. “I’m a lover”
This could be evaluated in a few different ways. The way I would like to think it applies to me most though is in my relationship with God. The Bible is full of analogies of the marriage of God to His church. His church is basically His bride and it includes all of the people who choose to respond to God’s love by loving him back. That is who I am: I am a lover of God. I love God before I love anything and anyone else. Alright, the truth is that I fall short of that many times, but through God’s grace I can start over again any minute and choose to put Him first. He is my first love. In seeing His love for us all, I am able to love Him back. I am also able to love others unconditionally and humbly. I [hope that I] am not prideful in my love for God, people, and justice. This love doesn’t come from me. I was full of hatred before I saw and understood God’s love. I have no reason to be prideful in being a lover. I humbly accept and appreciate this passion given to me by God.
As I mentioned, my love for God brings me to love people, the environment, justice, and peace as well. Although I fall short of this almost every day, I do truly love people. If I hate the creation how can I love the creator? If God loves me with all my flaws and sins, who am I to decide to not love people because of their flaws and sins. To be very honest though, I have a hard time loving two specific groups of people: self-assured religious people and chauvinistic and sexist men. Of course, that is where I qualify as being a “bitch” I presume. I am not proud of that, but I am accepting of that.
c. “I’m a child”
Of course, I am no longer legally counted as a child. But the way this applies to me first and foremost is the fact that my parents still see me as their child. They still instruct me and teach me their ways of living. They still walk into the room and bombard me with advice that seems slightly irrelevant to my life problems at the time. They still call me their daughter. And that is what I am: I am a child, and I am loved and cared for. After being called a bitch, this is a nice relief.
I am also an adopted child of God. No, I in no way claim to have been literally born from God or a Holy Mother. As in adoption, God took me under His [not literal] wings to instruct me and teach me His ways; to guide me in His path; and to call me His own. And this is precisely who I am: I am the child of God. I am loved and cared for.
I would like to tie this back to options (a) and (b). Next time any of us thinks of calling someone a bitch or any other disrespectful and inappropriate names, let us think to ourselves first: That person is a child too, and they are loved and cared for by someone. How would their parents feel if we humiliated their child? Definitely not good!
d. “I’m a mother”
Alright, I’m really not a mother. But considering the fact that I will most likely be adopting a 5-7 year old in 5-7 years from now, there is a good chance my adoptive child is already born. I’m not going to go too far with this idea as it may seem crazy to many people. However, I would like to propose this: I care for many things and people as a mother cares for her children. I do some art work and most of the time I care for them as if they are my children. I also care for the kids that I come in contact with that are in the detention center or are homeless. As a human being, I have a natural instinct to be a mother at some point in my life and hence, I can never be uncaring towards all things. Tying this back to option (a): sometimes I am viewed as a bitch only because I am being protective of what I care for. People need to understand that there is a hidden mother inside of every “bitch.”
e. “I’m a sinner”
I have faced and accepted the fact that I am imperfect and, comparing to God’s perfection, I am a sinner. Everyone sins. Sin is basically missing the mark of perfection. Everyone misses the mark of perfection at some point in their life. Through what God did for me, however, I am freed from the power of sin over my life. That will be the next section. But I think Paul flawlessly explains this struggle of continuously falling short of perfection in his letter to the Romans:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me... What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” [3]
This is what I am: I am a sinner. I take no pride in it, but I also no longer find shame and guilt in it either.
f. “I’m a saint”
Obviously, I have been pointing to this all throughout my writing here. Through the grace of God I am forgiven of all my sins and shortcomings and I no longer need to focus on my guilt and sin but rather on my spiritual growth, God’s glory, and loving and helping others. But I would also like to look at this in a non-spiritual way which is what I think Brooks had in mind.
The same way that I can be a mother, I can also be a saint. I have a side of me that cares for the world and wants to help people and advance the state of this world. Inside every bitch there is saint. The same way, inside every sinner, there is a saint waiting to be discovered. There are days that I live a great life and I look like a saint, and yet other days I go about selfishly living my life, reasonably earning the titles of bitch and sinner. What I think Brooks is trying to say here: don’t put me in a box!
g. All of the above
I am all of these –and more- at the same time. I am not just a bitch or just a lover or just a child or just a mother or just a sinner or just a saint – that would be quite a boring life. I am all of these at the same time and a lot more and nothing in between. I do the unexpected. I live the contradiction. This is who I am and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
So when I look in the mirror in the morning and ask myself, “who do I want to be today?” I think about two things: 1.which side of me needs to be expressed today? and 2.are there any unfortunate consequences of expressing that side today? For example, if I were to release option (a) of my personality today as I headed to work with some youth at a detention center, I probably would not be professional enough to remain employed by my boss. Therefore, I put aside option (a) for the time being and delay it. This does not imply that option (a) is not included in me or that I am ignoring its existence. I am only practicing delayed gratification, something that we have forgotten to ever use in the modern 21st century. This way, I remain honest to myself about who I truly am and how I feel. The big surprise is here: I am not even what Brooks lists off. I am so much more complicated than that; I am so complicated that I can’t even fully know myself.
I would like to look at the last sentence of the chorus: “I do not feel ashamed!” Honestly, I think that if Brooks had never felt ashamed about her contradictory inner combination, she would have never had the urge or passion to write this song and she would have never been able to succeed in explaining how it feels like to not be what people expect a woman to be. I think most of us have felt ashamed about some of our inner characteristics in our lifetime. But I think that it is time we accept ourselves for who we are and that we understand that we do not have to surrender to these labels and the boxes that society creates for us. I am not saying that we should all be bitches or sinners or anything else whenever we want to be. There is a time and place for everything and that was my point with delayed gratification. What I am trying to say is that it is only important that we stay true to ourselves through thick and thin. It is only through self-acceptance that we can come to learn to accept and love others.
Works Cited
Brooks, Meredith. "Nothing In Between." Blurring the Edges. 1997.
[1] It is interesting how being a gangster is actually valued among the upper class youth of our society these days. One look at facebook shows that people try very hard to portray a “gangster” image to others. Yet, as I work with youth involved in gangs, these actual gangsters would do anything to avoid that it.
[2] I would like to point out here that I in no way intend to use such improper language in a formal essay. However, in an attempt to remain true and authentic to my source of inspiration, I would have to use this word in this essay. I surely hope that no offense is taken whatsoever. I surely respect the purpose of this assignment.
[3] Romans 7:15-25 (New International Version 2011)
That was very formal for a creative piece and I don't think that the way you use bitch is offensive or unprofessional at all! It's more about Christianity than anything, which will be cool for your professor to read.
ReplyDeleteSomething interesting to me is all of the ways that bitch can be taken. To be honest, if someone asked me what bitch meant, I would never correlate it to a feminist. Interesting how one's experiences can influence their relationship with a word.
Good job on the paper! :) (I knew most of the stuff about you already)